One of the most surprising things about parenthood is how much anxiety there is around back-to school season. Not just our children’s worries, but also ours.
Transitions are a time of anticipation and questions, as well as a change from the free-for-all days of summer to regulated schedules with new expectations.
Francyne Zelte, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist at Manhattan Psychology Group. She says that anxiety stems from the fear of the unknown. Parents are often anxious about managing schedule changes, extracurricular activities, meal planning, financial burdens of clothes and supplies, and other things.
Zeltser, and other experts point out that it is not a solo or two-person performance. Parents can call their community to help them through the season, just as children have their parents to fall back upon when they are anxious.
Stress Source
What should I wear for my child? What should I bring with me? What will my teacher be? Is my friend in my class or not? As kids prepare to start a new year of school, they have many questions. Unknowns can create anxiety in children.
Stress projecting. Parents might not be aware that their stress is often transferred onto their children. Joshua Stein, MD is a child psychiatrist and adolescent therapist at PrairieCare in Minnesota. He says that what parents are worried about may not be what their children worry about. When kids feel unheard or misunderstood, it can create tension.
Meeting the new standards. The school curriculum gets more difficult as children progress through each grade. Parents who are struggling to understand Common Core math (for example) will soon realize this.
Fear that you will miss out. Many parents worry they haven’t enrolled their children in the right activities, which could help them gain valuable socialization skills or improve their college applications. Parents worry that their children will be left behind, left in the dust, and become anxious or sad. This is according to Jolie Silva PhD, clinical director of New York Behavioral Health where she focuses her attention on parents and kids.
Anxiety can be created by parents who feel overwhelmed.
Success Strategies
Recognize that returning to school can cause anxiety. Validate children’s anxieties and help them to contextualize their concerns. Stein says that you can use positive or successful experiences from the previous school year or educational environment to generalize for the new school year.
Your child may have been worried about his or her teacher last year but soon grew to respect them. Maybe they were worried about not fitting into the group, but by Halloween they had made a new friend. These reminders give them confidence to face whatever the new year may bring.
2) Rely on your community. Parents of children with similar ages can be an important source of support in solving problems and reducing stress. By sharing your worries about the new school term with other parents, you can avoid unintentionally projecting these concerns onto your child. Silva says that kids don’t want to hear their parents’ concerns, as this could cause them anxiety.
You can also collaborate with other parents to share or offload tasks you may not excel at, such as math homework, and instead focus on those that are in line with your schedule and strengths. Zeltser suggests that if you work at home, you may be able to pick up your children from carpool, while parents working in offices might have less flexibility.
Plan your emergency strategy and ask for assistance when necessary. Making plans is one way to reduce safety concerns. What would you like your children to be doing in the event that they are sick, separated, miss the bus, or encounter violence?
Zeltser recommends that parents “be proactive and educate their child.” Make concrete emergency plans for your children as early as pre-K. Also, ensure they have the information they need, including phone numbers, addresses and who they can contact if you are not there.
She adds that you and your children are unlikely to require this information. “But at least everyone knows what to do in case they need it.”
4) Look for the best deals. Start with the easy stuff. Don’t wait for August when you may have to pay more. Some schools work with external organizations to purchase affordable school supply kits for their students.
Parents who are savvy often exchange items via Facebook groups for schools or the Buy Nothing Project. Contact a school resource counsellor for suggestions on low-cost and free alternatives.
Zeltser says, “It’s a village effort.” When it becomes too stressful for you to handle it alone, lean on the other members of your community.
5) Let children make (some of) the decisions. Silva says that parents often think that they have to make all decisions. This is not true. Your children are independent individuals with their own feelings, interests and lives. “If parents make 99 percent of the decisions in their children’s lives, this takes away their autonomy.”
Kids deserve to have a voice when it comes to fashion, reading material, and classes. Parents will need to provide guidance and leadership on issues such as safety, health and academics.
6) Avoid overscheduling. Parents are often urged to enroll their children in activities that look good on college applications. However, some psychologists believe this can be harmful. It is important to take a break from technology and have some rest time. Schedule breaks to allow users time to relax.
Silva says that “[Downtime] aids in consolidating information, creativity and problem solving.” The brain can make connections that it would not otherwise be able to make. “Kids have been deprived of this.”
7) Plan family time. Parents and children often become emotionally distant as kids get older and busier. Stein says that “school, sports, arts and other activities can be very busy and we worry because we lose track what [and how] our kids are doing.” Turning off your phone, talking at dinner and being more involved in their lives is possible when you “”
The most important thing you can do to help your child transition back to school is by being emotionally and physically present. You can encourage your children to seek you out for guidance and support by spending quality time together.
8) Take care of your mental and physical well-being. It’s true what the old parenting saying says: you can’t pour out of an empty cup. Stein explains that “we need to be healthy to maintain the wellbeing of our children.”
Start by scheduling time for your own wellness activities. This could include exercising or spending time with friends. You may find it hard to separate yourself from your children and their worries. You may want to get some support. This could include visiting your doctor or finding a therapist, says the expert.
