Renee Parsons drove home from Iowa after attending a wedding. The weekend had been filled with family fun. Her four daughters were in her van, exhausted from the night of partying. The daylight was fading, but the vast Midwestern sky put on a show. The sun set in crimson and soaked the clouds, trees and hillsides with every shade of red possible.
Jim Parsons, Renee’s husband, was looking over at Renee when he did so. Her face was flooded with tears. He asked, “What is going on?” It was a moment of unrestrained happiness, a sort of seventh heaven for family.
Renee married into Jim’s close family. This clan usually gathers in large groups at places like Lake Powell, in southern Utah. They filled two houseboats for a recent reunion.
Renee, on the other hand, was a part of a family that had been divided and troubled since her parents separated when she turned 16. She says that the first time she attended Jim’s reunion, “I noticed people being genuinely happy. They treated each other with respect.” I was so touched that I lost it completely in front of my in-laws. They asked me what was wrong. “I told them that it was overwhelming being with such a nice family.”
Renee treasures family time. Even those with strong family ties are finding that such intimate moments have become rarer and harder to find.
Looking across America, social scientists see a number of factors that conspire to weaken families. William J. Doherty Ph.D. of the University of Minnesota says that they include the conflicts and conflicting schedules of two working parents, the fragmentation of the civic, religious and cultural communities, the high rate of divorce and remarriage, and the proliferation of electronic distractions such as video games, computers, and televisions.
Doherty writes in his book Simple Rituals for Strengthening Family Ties that “what was once a cohesive, strong unit is now, in many instances, nothing more than an loose grouping individuals with their own timetables and agendas.”
Too busy to Bond
It seems that many families do not have time to spend with their family. The Survey Research Center of the University of Michigan conducted national time-diary studies in 1981 and 1997.
- The overall free time of children has decreased by 12 hours per week. Playtime also decreased by three hours each week.
- The number of household conversations has dropped by 100%, meaning that “talking with your family” is no longer the main activity. In 1997, this was a very rare occurrence.
- The average family mealtime has decreased from nine to eight hours per week. This is particularly troubling, given that studies have shown that more family mealtime is a strong predictor of higher achievement and better behavior for children.
The other reported trends may not be inherently bad, but they still lead to less family time.
- Sports structured doubled in time from 2 hours 20 minutes to 5 hours 17 minutes. The time spent watching family members participate in structured sports has also increased fivefold, from 30 mins per week to over three hours.
- The study time has increased by nearly 50 percent between 1981 and 1997.
These findings have been confirmed by social scientists and researchers. Robert Putnam, a Harvard University professor, published an article in 1995 describing the decline of league bowling. He suggested that this seemingly small phenomenon was a sign of a larger and more significant social change. He wrote The Collapse and Revival of American Community five years later. Putnam’s book is an analysis of Roper Reports, DDB Needham Life Style Survey and other surveys. These archives contain data about the social, political and personal behavior of Americans in the past quarter century. They contain nearly 500,000 interviews.
Putnam claims in his book that the number of families who regularly dine with each other has decreased by 33 percent over the past three decades. Doherty also agrees citing the same results from a national survey conducted in 1995. According to the survey, 58 percent of American households watch TV during dinner.
Putnam states that the number of families taking vacations has declined by 28 percent in the last two decades. Our time spent with friends has decreased by 35 percent compared to 30 years ago. In 1975, Americans entertained their friends 15 times a year on average. Today that figure is barely half. The average American played card 16 times per year, which is twice as often as it does now. Putnam writes that “Sending greetings cards” has declined between 15 and 20 percent for married people as well as singles over the past decade or so.
Why the change in policy? Putnam says that people are moving more. Suburbanization and sprawl, time pressures, particularly for two-career families, disruption of marriage and family bonds, television, electronic revolution and other technological changes are also possible factors.
Internet verdict is yet to be given. Putnam wonders if the Internet will have a primary effect of enhancing existing social networks as it did with the telephone, or if it will replace them as often happens with television.
Pursuit of More
Affluenza is another reason why we’re bonding less within and outside our families.
John De Graaf is the author of Affluenza, The All Consuming Epidemic, and producer of a television series on the topic. He defines affluenza, as “a painful and contagious condition that results in anxiety, waste, debt and overspending due to the relentless pursuit of more.”
De Graaf, who is the national coordinator of “Take Back Your Time Day” scheduled for October 24th, 2003, explains that, although we say that family time is important, our actions show that we place more value on producing and consuming. “All of the other values we insist are valuable — health, family and community, civic responsibility — are all given short shrift by our pursuit of trappings and the good life.
De Graaf claims that the average American family now works 388 more hours per year than it did in 1969. DeGraaf also sees overscheduling as a threat, both for ourselves and our kids. Kids are now keeping running schedules, appointment calendars, and schedules for classes and events. They also have sports and activities to plan. These schedules were once reserved only for CEOs. “Every prominent child psychologist that I have spoken to has said this is not good.”
This malaise is a result of our policies regarding vacation time. In many modern industrialized countries, the minimum paid vacation is four weeks. De Graaf says that in the United States there are no vacation guarantees and that most people take only two weeks. In Texas, this year only 46 percent plan to take any vacation.
De Graaf notes that “we also have the by far most miserly policies regarding family leave.” “It is 12 weeks without pay. In most modern countries, six to twelve months are paid. They have shorter working weeks. There are laws in place that limit the amount of overtime you can make people work. In the United States there is no law like this, except for California (where the limit is 72 hours per week). Canada has a limit of 44-48 hours. In the European Union the limit is 48.
It’s not surprising that we find it difficult to make time for family dinners, conversations, and trips. It’s a shame. But maybe it can be avoided.
What Should You Do?
De Graaf said that legislation is currently being drafted by Congress to create a minimum paid leave as well as to limit mandatory overtime. He hopes that initiatives like Take Back Your Time Day can help to create a national conversation about affluenza, and encourage employers and employees to share jobs and take more vacation.
Bill Doherty, Barbara Z. Carlson and others have also created Putting Family First. This organization aims to build a community in which family life is a priority. They also co-authored Reclaiming Family Time in a Hurry Up World. The book provides a number of innovative and simple approaches to resetting priorities, creating family rituals and avoiding scheduling conflict. Here are a few examples.
Family Dinners: Host a weekly dinner with china and candles for your immediate family. Families (or teams of family members) can take turns choosing and preparing meals. Then, everyone slows down to enjoy a relaxed evening.
Conversation: Unsure what to say at the dinner table or when hanging out? Open-ended questions can encourage intimate, imaginative interactions. You can ask: What is your proudest moment from the week/day/season? What would you do if you had a day off work or school?
Before bedtime: Take the time to brush or rub your child’s back. Instead of watching television, read together as a group. Choose books at random and read pages or chapters. You can read a chapter each night to keep everyone interested in what happens next.
Seize the Day
It’s unlikely, despite the efforts of activist groups and legislation, that finding more time to spend with family will become easier anytime soon. Experts agree that deferring those few, awkward moments in exchange for a promise of future “quality time” rarely works.
It’s important to recognize and seize the moment as it comes. Your best chance of being there and counted in the lives and the people that matter the most is by being present. Even though long hours in the office can make us cry, they are rarely tears of happiness. Even hours spent with our families can be the most productive. So disown your to-do list, if you must. Your agenda is a waste of time. Be here right now. You don’t want this connection to pass you by.
Enjoy more life with less TV
Ben, my child, brought me some troubling news one day. His English teacher in seventh grade gave him an assignment. He was to turn off the TV for a whole week and then write about it. Then I realized that this was the NBA playoffs. Ben and I are NBA fans. This homework hit home.
We actually managed to enjoy ourselves by not watching TV for a week. We watched the games live instead of watching them on TV. We went to the movies, saw friends, sat through meals, and took piano lessons. We had more time, and the day seemed to flow smoothly without interruptions from half-hour TV shows.
Here are some tips from TV-Turnoff Network on how to get more family time by reducing or stopping your TV viewing.
- Set a limit of less than five TV hours per week at a family gathering. You can agree to limit TV viewing, such as no TV in the morning, no TV during meals or no TV until homework is completed.
- Make a list with everyone in your family of things to do other than watching TV. Start by having one member of the family per day plan and pick an activity.
- Move your TV into the sunroom, basement or attic. The tube is too attractive in an obvious place. Move the TV to the living area when you want to watch something. This will allow you to decide which shows are worthwhile.
- You can save money by disconnecting cable. – GL
Bonding Bonus
Those who are able to bond, whether in a couple, family, social group or community, will experience good things. Those who do not tend to experience less-than-stellar outcomes. Harvard professor Robert D. Putnam can attest to this. In Bowling Alone : The collapse and revival of American community, he writes:
- Marriage is equivalent to quadrupling income in terms of happiness. Attending a regular club meeting is equivalent to doubling your income.
- Communities with low social bonds have lower educational performances, and more crime, teen pregnancys, child suicides, low birthweight and prenatal deaths.
- According to studies in the United States and Scandinavia, people who are socially isolated are up to five times as likely to die of any cause compared to those who are closely connected to their family, friends, and community.
- Putnam writes that if you decide to join a group, your mortality risk will be cut in half over the next 12 months.
Why is social cohesion important to health? Putnam says that social networks can provide tangible help, like money or transportation, which reduces stress. Social networks can also encourage healthy habits. People who are socially isolated tend to smoke more and have unhealthy habits. Social bonding may also stimulate the immune system, allowing it to combat disease and stress.
Researchers have been studying Roseto, Penn. since the 1950s. The effects of social bonds have been dramatic. Rosetons’ heart attack rate was half as high as their neighboring towns when adjusted for age. Over a period of seven years, no Roseton aged under 47 died from a heart disease.
Researchers searched for explanations by examining diet, exercise and weight, smoking, genetic disposition, and smoking. All of these explanations failed to provide the answer. This was a close-knit, socially cohesive community. Leaders created a mutual aid society, churches and sports clubs, as well as a union, newspaper, scout groups, an athletic field, and a park. Residents gathered on porches, in social clubs and to support each other financially and emotionally. They also reinforced family values and good behavior.
In the 1970s, young people who were socially mobile began to reject the traditional ways of their community. This had disastrous results. In the 1980s, Putnam writes, “Roseto’s new generation adults had a higher heart attack rate than their neighbors from a nearby town with a similar demographic.”
Extended Family Remix
There’s a birthday message on my answering machine. The gravelly voice of a tenor manages to sing a heartwarming rendition “Happy Birthday” and ends it (mercifully), with the kicker “You o’old faaart.”
Earl. Earl Hipp is a fellow Minneapolis writer, friend and colleague who never forgets my birthday. Earl will always call me on Thanksgiving to express his gratitude for having me in his life. Earl will also remember anniversaries like the death of my parents.
Earl isn’t my blood relative, but he acts and feels like family. I once asked him why he remembered all these dates and went to all the trouble. He says that remembering the details is what keeps relationships together. “I am just investing in the people that I care about.” “I love hearing the surprise and gratitude of those I care about when I remember them.”
Some people are blessed with wonderful families of origin. Some people are very good at “making” surrogate family. Earl is one of those people who can do both. Earl confesses to using software to help him keep track of dates and other details regarding his friends and family. He enters phone numbers and names into his cell phone, and scrolls through it daily to decide who he wants to contact each day. He says that connectivity is his top priority. “Isolation, I’ve done. I spent years as a human tumbleweed and learned what it costs to feel alone, estranged, and have no community. It takes effort to be connected, but I am willing to pay the price to not feel excluded from human life.
This idea of sending cards and calls to loved ones in remembrance is intriguing. I haven’t been good at this in the past, but after hearing Earl speak, it got me thinking. I then call three members of my extended family who are all good at maintaining and developing relationships with people both inside and outside of their families of birth. I ask them why and how they manage to do it.
Linda Bengtson, my cousin from Northfield, Minn., says that random acts of kindness can make a big difference. She has 300 or so cards in her box for every occasion. As I do, Linda is not as apprehensive about the time wasted and the difficult decisions at the drugstore (which card to buy?). Linda enjoys the opportunity to give joy and move cards each time there is a wedding or birthday. She enjoys the feeling of connection that she gets from doing it.
Wendy Bengtson, of Chippewa Falls in Wisconsin, believes that maintaining relationships is all about priorities and pace. She says that if you slow down the little things will become more important. The more you slow down the more important these little things become. I had a great time
It’s a friend in town who cares, remembers birthdays and other things. “When she died, 1500 people attended her wake because she reached out.”
Nancy Parker Hokonson, from Hudson, Wis., makes handmade cards for birthdays. She does this for everyone she loves, even though some people may not notice or reciprocate. “That’s not important,” she says. “I take pleasure in the process.”
It’s obvious that not everyone is motivated (or determined) to be so active or powerful in their connections with others. But talking to these people has made me realize that, to a great extent, enjoying and having a close family is a choice. Even those without strong ties to their clan, the one into which they were born, can still create tribes.
I don’t know if I want to spend my time scouring the card shops for friends or keep a list of birthday callers, but there is a lot that can be said about making an informed decision as to who you are going to connect with and why. It doesn’t take an Herculean amount of effort to create and maintain these bonds. All truly fulfilling families begin with genuine affection, emotional accessibility, consideration, and time. Blood may still be more thick than water. Love, care and silly birthday calls can keep us afloat.
